Christmas is the Best … Usually.

For real though, Christmas is truly my favourite holiday. And I really can’t get down with the give-me-xanax-cause-my-family-has-unresolved-issues-that-come-out-when-we-all-get-together-and-drink bullshit. (So don’t even start with me, Linda.) It’s a great time where everyone is happy (or forcing themselves to be) and everything is adorned with twinkly lights and magic is EVERYWHERE. If I could, I’d put the Christmas tree up in October. And don’t start on the, “put it up after Remembrance day because if you do it before you basically hate the veterans and are taking a giant shit on our flag and our country.” I can observe two holidays at once y’all.

Anyway. I do want to talk about how some of the truly terrible things that come out of Christmas despite its overwhelming awesome-ness, and I thought we should talk about them together, or during therapy. Should we get some dolls? Point to where Christmas touched you. “HE WRAPPED TINSEL AROUND IT AND THEN POINTED AND LAUGHED.” Would Christmas be a boy? Or a girl? Well, that certainly ran away from me.

My mother has decided that we should all make each other gifts this year, to which I told her that she should expect a ton of shit made out of toilet paper rolls. She wasn’t impressed and pointedly told me that it ought to be awesome because she’s very high maintenance. (Aren’t you mom?) She’ll text me after I publish this not commenting at all on the blog and pointing out that she’s not high maintenance and that she’s offended I think so. WELL NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS MOM. So naturally she started being overwhelmed about what the fuck she was supposed to “make” the men in our lives. Men are hard to buy for under the best of circumstances especially after you’ve already bought them all manner of things to do with their beard and 17 sweaters. So the prospect of making something seems like a challenge, and not a good challenge. More of a throw the hot glue gun through the window, challenge. So, she did what every 21st century folk does, and Googled it. There are no words for what she found. Just kidding. There’s always words. She came across the most amazing, horrifying article by Martha Stewart (like where does she get off) that included some of the most disturbing hand-made gift ideas, ones that if I ever gifted my husband, he might leave me forever.

Look at the horror. FELT SLIPPERS? “GLOVE GRIPS”? CAR WASH KIT? ‘Cause men love kits of any kind. And ’cause my husband has often thought to himself, if only I had some gloves with grips on them so I can open this particularly tough pickle jar. However, the felt slippers truly take the cake. They look like the sad, slow little brother of an actual slipper. One that you should probably just buy instead of attempting to fashion. You know who would give out those slippers? Joan Cusack’s character in Shameless. And she would stare a little too long after giving them to you, forcing you to awkwardly pretend to love them while secretly thinking about lighting them on fire after you leave the house. So, do us all a favour, and stick to like, picture frames and knitted blankets K? (Don’t worry, I will document all the atrocities that will be unveiled this Christmas at our house, including my 8-year-old little brother with a God complex being thoroughly unimpressed at the up-cycled garbage he’s forced to say thank you for.)

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Do you also like how I’ve added necks to my characters? DO YOU? Also, that’s supposed to say “slipper” in my chicken scratch. #toolazytoredo

You know what else is less than awesome? Carollers. Standing and listening to people sing at me is literally being privy to the most awkward social interaction I can think of and having to endure it for entirely too long. Where am I supposed to look? At your face? What am I supposed to do? It’s not like a movie where I cosy up to my plaid-wearing kids and sip my conveniently ready cocoa smiling like a creep about how I’m going to murder my husband later. It’s incredibly awkward and I hate that you’ve forced it on me. So, if you come to my house feel free to sing to my front door.

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Also applicable: Mormons, Jehovah’s, salesmen and college kids trying to paint my house

Speaking of terrible people, how fun is it when you find out how many of your extended family members are racists? I mean, would it really be Christmas without drunk Uncle Jerry screaming across the dinner table how all lives matter and that Trump is going to save America? WOULD IT? It’s like a yearly reminder of why you avoid half of your family. Thanks for reminding me! And then at some point there’s a concerted effort to gather the remaining sober members of your family and hide all the booze so that the same Uncle doesn’t start shouting about homosexuals and gun control. That same amount of effort goes into hiding the fact that Cousin Lacey just came out of the closet at the girl she brought to dinner isn’t her “friend from volleyball”.

Also, how come when one light on a string of Christmas lights burns out the entire string is completely unusable? It’s almost like it’s passive aggressively reminding us that Christmas has become one big holiday celebrating throwing 11,000 pounds of plastic in the ocean. Like what even is the point of wrapping paper? Here I wrapped this plastic thing in fancy paper that you’ll immediately throw away! Anyway, why cant that single light just be burnt out? Why does it have to spend the entire Christmas season (and likely then some) laughing in my face? ‘Cause you know for certain that I’m not taking it down to replace it. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME?

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We have a string of lights in our bedroom where only 1/3 of the lights work and the rest are dead. Like why? WHY?!

Isn’t Christmas the best? I’M SO EXCITED! 

4 thoughts on “Christmas is the Best … Usually.

  1. I was contemplating this and my brain suddenly shouted, “I should make EVERYONE a set of pajamas for Christmas!” No, no, no……I should not do that. Really. No one would be happy, and it would cost way more than just buying them.

    And those felt slippers are perfect if you are also planning to reenact Elf. New traditions!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never thought of a re-enactment you are totally on point. I’m biased cause I’m the least crafty person ever so I just would hate to make anything for anyone but I know some people out there who are super mega crafty that make hats and shit. Lolol

      Liked by 1 person

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