Things I Learned This Week

I recently decided to invest my very little time into another fucking hobby, ’cause apparently I don’t have enough. (Another thing to fill up my time to avoid the existential DREAD. AMIRITE?!) I legit don’t even watch Netflix anymore. WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME. So now I spend most of my time spinning in circles in my kitchen because my head is so full that I can’t even remember where we keep the forks. Do you ever get that way? I’m certain I’m not the only one. Here’s a fact that makes me super uncomfortable. Apparently there are people who wipe their butts standing UP? Isn’t that weird? Unless you’re the person who does that and you think it’s weird that I wipe my butt sitting down. If wiping sitting down is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Don’t tell me how to wipe my ass, Linda.

Evidence of new hobby. #picuresareneat

Sidebar: I was hoping that this preliminary paragraph would inspire me and I would know what my topic would be for this week… evidentially I’m not there just yet.

Did you ALSO know that roughly 100 million people in the United States are type 2 diabetic or pre-diabetic? Furthermore, did you know that it costs in the neighbourhood of $14,000-$17,000 a year to treat someone with diabetes? Crunch that fuckin’ math. Isn’t that 100% horrifying? (Not 98%, not 99%, 100%) What’s worse, apparently in something like 20 years the entire United States budget is going to go towards medicare and medicaid.*

Here’s a stock photo of a woman laughing over her salad ’cause what is funnier than eating a salad? BEIGE WALLS? LETTER HEAD? BALL POINT PENS?

Maybe this week will be about things I’ve learned in the past week. Did you also know that if you don’t teach your children the proper words for their private parts, should they ever experience sexual assault, colloquialisms for their penis’ and vagina’s (/vulva’s) typically don’t hold up in a legal setting? COULD YOU IMAGINE? How horrible would you feel as a parent? If they came up to you and were like, ‘my teacher touched my cookie’ and everyone in the courtroom was like aww cute, cookie. #notcute #bebetter

It’s not pee-pee, hoo-haw, dingle-dangle, fliffer-floffer. It’s Penis and Vulva. YES VULVA.

In other news, Cards Against Humanity has purchased a plot of land on the Mexican/US border for no other reason than to fuck with Trump’s wall plan. Quoted:

Donald Trump is a preposterous golem who is afraid of Mexicans.

If there has ever been a more amazing statement about the orange orangutan that is in charge of essentially the first world, this one tops it. Let’s all send love notes to Cards Against Humanity for doing their small part in angering the man with the bad toupee into what I assume will only result in an angry Twitter war, with his chubby little fingers starting to smoke from the friction of Cheetos dust and sweat. It’s gonna happen people.

WHO DO YOU THINK DOES HIS SPRAY TAN? I hope it’s a gay guy named Ricky with a leather t-shirt and a gold chain. 

I ALSO LEARNED THAT I KNOW HOW AND AM CAPABLE OF… CHANGING A TIRE. You heard it here first folks. After my tire dramatically exploded right as I was 4 blocks away from work, and my husband far away at work, I had to figure out how to do it alone. Good thing I have a super badass bitch for a coworker and we totally fucking nailed it. Although, turns out you’re supposed to loosen the nuts (HAHA NUTS) BEFORE you lift it up so that you don’t move the jack and drop the car on your face. I mean, it didn’t happen to us, but like good to know for next time AMIRITE?


NO HATS OFF to the litany of men with giant trucks and backwards hats that didn’t come over and see what was up with the two chicks lying on the ground and then standing, pointing and trying to figure out the best way to go about this without it landing on us and leaving my coworker’s child mother-less. But a serious hats off to the one CHICK who stopped and came over to help us, giving us that, “this is terrible for you but I’m so happy it’s not happening to me” face, and then proceeding to offer to help us. I inadvertently stepped into the ya-ya sisterhood and I’m fucking thrilled about it. YA YAAAAAAAAAAA.

Also, best fucking movie ever. 

I also learned that service providers are yet again, completely fucking useless. It’s almost like I’m surprised that I’m again, surprised at how completely useless they all seem to be. But, lets not get into that now, next time.

*ALL of this information came from the illustrious Chris Kresser, who was amazingly interviewed by Joe Rogan on his podcast. It’s factual shit people.

5 thoughts on “Things I Learned This Week

    1. I have no legitimate source. I overhead it somewhere random. Don’t even know who, don’t even know when. Maybe I should google it and see if it’s a thing………
      I’m a terrible writer clearly I don’t FACT CHECK

      Liked by 1 person

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