Weddings Confuse Me

As some of you may know, I’m getting married in September. To answer your questions, wedding planning is not really happening at all and no, I’m not nervous. The hubs and I are having a super simple, camping wedding. No catered dinner, painful speeches or horrible Powerpoint presentations where transitions straight out of the 90’s checkerboard you from one of my awkward childhood photos to the next. What does a wedding look like to us? E-mail invites, 30 minute ceremony, $100 wedding dress and B.Y.O.B. Easy-peasy. We both came to this realization after having been to several – what I like to call – to the tits weddings. You know what I mean by that. Fully catered, paper invites, and unnecessarily formal. (Like two months ago we were beer bonging home-made cider and now I have to rent a tuxedo?) The ones where it actually costs you money to go watch your co-worker get married and to get seated next to complete strangers. The ones where the bridal party sits on an elevated long table above everyone else like they’re the overlords and we’re all peons about to fight to the death. The one striking consistency that I noticed during all of these weddings, was a complete lack of time to spend with the guests. Sure, the bride and groom and all the party members got to gab at their massive table where they sat through an entire dinner, speeches and someone’s drunken ramblings about that one time you guys went on a pub crawl in ’86 – but for the rest of the pawns in the proverbial wedding chess game, we each get 5 minutes of a totally hurried, “thank you for coming.” Y’know, when the bride runs around the dining room after dinner is finished, wrestling with her massive, $2000 dress trying to say thank you to everyone in time before the couples and oldies split to go to the pub or better, bed.


I knew right away that the best part of every wedding is to have every single person you’ve ever loved or shared a part of your life with, under one roof. A party to say, “Hey! I found this super awesome person! Meet them! Drink with them! Celebrate with us! Give us money!” Just kidding on that last part. But seriously, no gifts. That means no registry, no showing you what we’d like before hand so that Uncle Larry doesn’t fuck it up and end up gifting us a pet chicken. (although, I think we’d be stoked on a pet chicken.) And, as a gesture to all my loved ones, I’m not going to make you sit through a dinner. I’m going to put out a bunch of food, graze if you will, or if you don’t. But let’s just hang out. Right? So, we’re having a camping wedding and we’ve told all our loved ones to come for the ENTIRE weekend if they can so that we can have three totally awesome days to soak up all the goodness of each of their faces.

With the royal wedding happening tomorrow, it got me to thinking about how totally backwards the wedding industry is. But I mean hey, look how far we’ve come from swapping a couple of goats and blankets for the bride. Now the father walks the bride down the aisle and gifts her to her future husband. SO glad we’re totally past the whole, ‘women as property’ thing, right?

Weddings are kind of weird, I mean, what’s the logic. It’s like, well we love each other why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom. We’ll invite your parents friends, my parents friends and we’ll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy. Before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.
-Jim Gaffigan

I digress. (#neveractuallytho) Here’s a few things that perturb or disturb me. Pick whichever one suits you’re palette better. And if you’re easily offended about the $30,000 wedding you’re currently planning or have had, stop reading now!

  1. White wedding dresses. You know why wedding dresses are white right? It’s a purity thing. Which some people say wasn’t a virginity thing but it totally makes sense to me. A creepy subconscious gesture to show our future husbands that we’re untainted and pure – that no other man has entered into our love den, and that our future husbands are the first and only man to lay claim TO THIS LAND – our wicked garden as it were. Because we’re evolved now and women have the same rights as men despite the fact that we still utilize the veil and don’t sleep in the same bed the night before. To show the world we’re all good, pure Christians. We’ll just repress the events of last weekend, I guess. You know what I’m talking about. And while we’re on the subject of wedding dresses, where did the expensive wedding dress trend come from? You know you’re only going to wear it once right? I’ve never understood the appeal of sitting through an entire day and night in an awkward dress that’s likely super heavy and if you’re lucky, has a corset back. So now you’re heavy, awkward AND you can’t breathe. Does it take an army of bridesmaids to help you go to the bathroom? SIGN ME UP!
  2. The garter belt. Real talk: why this is a thing? I did some light googling and it’s worse than I thought. Here’s what Reader’s Digest had to say: “Instead, the groom would toss the garter to guests waiting outside as a taste of what he and his wife were up to behind closed doors. Eventually, the tradition became part of the reception—no need for guests to hover outside the hotel room.” I’ve always been creeped out that in front of 200 people the groom casually goes up the brides wedding dress with this teeth, removes the garter belt, and flings it to a group of sexually charged men. What does the lucky bachelor do with it after he catches it? Sniff it? Hang it in his room alongside her stolen hairbrush and used panties? Ugh.
  3. Wedding stationary. This one baffles me the most. While I’d like to think in another life I could really nail the Pintrest-esque wedding with the cute invitations, kissing menus, place cards, and food menus, I really don’t even have the time. Not only do you have to print them out, you also have to cut them with fancy scissors and lace them all. Or pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to do it for you. And you just KNOW the second someone sits at the table a kids either gonna lick it or my drunk ass is going to spill wine on it. So you gotta do the invites, maybe even save the dates as well, then you have to include a meal card, and if you’re super extra, a post marked reply card. Now you’re getting close to the $400-$700 range. That doesn’t include postage to mail them all, and all that extra stationary that each table needs. Shoot me now.

I swear I’m not judging you if you choose to have a super extra wedding. A ‘to the tits wedding’ if you will. I mean I kind of am, but more in a, “I’m super jealous you can afford a $30,000 wedding, if I had that kind of cash I would definitely buy a car or a down payment on a house instead” kind of way. In the end, the only hope I have for my own wedding is that everyone has a good time. And that it doesn’t cost them anything – or very little at least. When you get invited to a party you typically don’t budget for it, so why should a wedding be any different?

Either way, Meghan Markle is going to be walking down the aisle in a close to $150,000 gown. Pocket change for her I’m sure. Maybe instead of wearing a dress she could wear the BMW i8, a small condo, or seven and a half bachelors degrees instead. JUST SAYING.

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3 thoughts on “Weddings Confuse Me

  1. It’s interesting what luxury means to different people.

    I tend towards your frame of mind, and we tried to make our wedding as non-over-the-top-fuss as possible. But at the time I was severely ill with chronic fatigue syndrome. A lot of the effort-heavy things that are the trade-offs for cash-heavy things (e.g., a potluck picnic instead of catering) were actually the luxury option for us, due to my illness. I would have loved for what we did to be even more ‘laid back’ (in style more so than effort, I suppose), but it was simply impossible for me to be part of anything on the day other than actually getting married (15 min ceremony! Beat that!) and being at the party. So we got a venue (though not an expensive fairy-tale one) and catering (though not sit-down) that would set up and pack up for us.

    (We still paid MUCH less than the average wedding).

    Liked by 1 person

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