The Selfie: A Horrifying Adventure

Today someone asked me if I had a picture of myself. Given that I spend most of my time behind a camera, I was all, “oh probs, and if not –  I’m sure I can whip something up real quick like”. Turns out, it’s not at all ‘quick like’, and surprisingly challenging. Not just operating the camera at a distance where you fight with the focus for 45 minutes, but also managing to make a face that says, “Yes! I AM an adult and fully equipped with functioning mental faculties”. So I think to myself: What am I trying to convey with this image? Enter: a series of photos that leave me with a mixture of emotions – but mostly just, awkward.

First thought: Okay, go for something serious. Something that says, ‘I’m accomplished and capable, but also mysterious. Maybe try using your hand to convey that you have depth.

What is this? The cover of Time magazine photo shoot? You look like you think you’re hiding the cure for cancer under your hand. Put your eyebrows down, they are FAR too suggestive. 

Second thought: So you’re not serious. SO WHAT! Do something that suggests you’re silly and capable of having a good time. But still look sexy. Do you want to look sexy? Is that the goal here? Whatever just try it.

At what point in a person’s life do they realize that they aren’t supermodels and the stuck out tongue with the half closed eyes is only something that works on Mila Kunis on a good day? I hit that point today. What’s with the hand in your hair? And what’s with the face? Are you again hiding something? You’re not that mysterious. 

Third thought: Okay, clearly you need a change of location. It’s probably your paisley curtains that are totally cramping your style. You painted a picture once, why don’ you stand in front of it? (Ps. Totally planned the sun of the painting to look like it was coming out of my head like some kind of magic angel. Totally not a coincidence. I’m so creative.)

What do I do? Just stare into the camera? Now you look like you’re holding in a poop. Now you’re fully aware of your mis-aligned teeth. THANKS CAMERA
Again with the hands. You know you change diapers for a living.
Good call. Fingers out of your mouth. What’s this though? Are you trying to imitate that sculpture that’s super famous that makes moderate people look smart? ‘Cause you know you’re thinking of buttholes and farts.

Fourth thought: Okay stop trying to be anything, just act natural and normal. Maybe try to laugh a bit? But don’t donkey laugh ’cause we’re all familiar with that gum-y smile and double chin. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

There are no words for these. Like why? The scrunched lips? The closed eye smile? The far left one is my actual favourite, though. Because you know I’m thinking about absolutely fucking nothing. Which is how I spend most of my days. And I’m pretty happy I captured the far away, dazed, slightly slow face that the entire world is privy to on a daily basis. The face I make right before my husband says, “are you even fucking listening to me?” (Spoiler alert: I’m not.)

Fifth thought: It’s clearly the location that’s killing you. So you obviously need to go somewhere else. Maybe you should get your super sexy husband (you’re welcome, Matty) to take them instead.

Mid-something? Who the fuck knows.
No ones mouth needs to be that big, like ever. You could park a car in there. Clearly your eyebrows can’t contain themselves.
When all else fails, make your sex appeal face. This works right? RIGHT? Ask my husband how much this doesn’t work.

So clearly you see where I’m at. It’s a toss-up really between sending the one where it looks like I’m trying to seduce the camera and sending the one with my full-blown vacant stare. I mean, that would be the most fitting for me, personally. Selfies are hard k?

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