In Defense of The Cup

Avert your eyes guys – I’m gonna talk about menstruation. What may seem like a scary thing to most men, is a monthly inconvenience that all of woman kind has to begrudgingly deal with. While I’d like to think that I could cultivate some kind of spiritual connection in that I’m shedding the future home of my children and re-growing a new one for my time as a human incubator, I just don’t. One day maybe. In the meantime, in-between ruining almost every pair of underwear I own (what kind of brave, badass bitch buys white underwear?), I’m typically woefully under prepared for natures gift every month. I usually schlep to the store to get this months supply of tampons (18 boxes of super plus apparently I am preparing to house triplets every month) and feel disturbed every time I throw out enough trash to make a home for a small family. Is that a thing can we start re-purposing tampon cases? Is that weird? Yeah you’re right.

So I’m thinking, THERE’S GOTTA BE A BETTER WAY! Turns out there might be, but not without a ridiculous amount of trial and error, leakage and awkward trips to the bathroom for extended periods of time. No not the period panties (those scare me), not reusable pads (I’m good on the diaper thing). No. I’m talking about the CUP. That’s right people. A small silicone cup that requires an entire hand going up your vagina to ensure that it’s in properly. A silicone cup that my mother used to boil on the stove to ensure it was clean in-between uses and I would balk at that idea – must we use our cookware to sterilize our menstruation devices?

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Very real conversation.

Turns out though, it’s ACES. You can leave the sucker (literally HAHA) inside of you for 24 hours, pop ‘er out in the shower and then pop ‘er back in! How BRILLIANT. It does take a certain amount of… practice to fold it right and make sure its in there like a suction cup or else you’ll leak and it’ll be properly dramatic. You have to become super comfortable with stuffing your fingers fully inside you and twisting and turning to make sure that shits open. But c’mon ladies, we can do it. I’ve spent my entire life using tampons and I’m now certain that they are the biggest corporate shakedown ever. EVER. Turns out for an entire day I produced like the tiniest amount of blood. But, because tampons are BLEACH WHITE and the blood only soaks into the first layer, you have to change them fucking constantly. Resulting in having to, you guess it, BUY MORE TAMPONS. It’s almost like they god damn orchestrated that.

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So next time you’re at the store with your uterine lining falling out of you, just say NO to tampons and buy the cup instead. It’ll change your god damn life – I PROMISE. Become a cup champion – start giving this unsolicited advice to the women who feel shame holding their tampon in front of other people. I mean, I know from experience that most people hate unsolicited advice especially of a very personal nature but HEY. You win some you lose some. (I lose most.)

As a concluding thought: What’s with the blue liquid in pad and tampon commercials? And why is every woman in those commercials always wearing all white? Because we have to advocate that we’re still pure beings despite bleeding every month? Fuckin’ donkeys.

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2 thoughts on “In Defense of The Cup

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