Overwhelmingly, Annoyingly Happy

People of WordPress, it’s been a little over a month since I started the diet that I was sure would kill me, slowly, from the inside out. What would I do without sugar I thought? What would I do without BREAD? Fuck I love bread. I’m here to give you an update. And the update is one that I never thought I’d type, but here it is:

It’s going so fucking well you guys. 

I know. Coming from me, who took a big shit on anyone who said, ‘gains’ or ‘leg day’ in my presence. Me, who literally devoted an entire blog post to how my mom has spent her whole life telling me to exercise and I told her to go to hell. Effectively, I’m turning into everything that I make fun of on my blog and I am loving every single second of it.

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Lettuce and I are actually homies now.

I accepted the challenge of going without dairy, gluten, sugar, eggs, peanuts, corn and soy. Living in a small town, it left absolutely nothing for me to eat without a full 24 hours of planning. If I forgot my lunch, there are literally no kitschy lettuce take out places where they serve you sprouts in a bowl for $19. So going anywhere, doing anything that didn’t involve my house was challenging, to say the least. But I did it, and am still doing it and am still fucking nailing it ok?

Going without dairy has cleared my skin up almost entirely and reduced it from feeling like I just dunked my face in a bucket of canola oil, to like it was blessed by the angels above. I can now officially breathe out of my nose – which is remarkable as I’ve spent my entire life being a mouth breather and an open mouth chew-er which makes everyone around me happy, as you can imagine. The only thing I miss is cheese. Fuck I love cheese. And I’ve resigned to the likely reality that there is NO replacement that tastes and feels the same. So don’t even bother, ok?

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The Keg has a filet mignon with a blue cheese crumble that is other-fucking-worldly and I dream about it every night. 

I no longer crash and fall asleep on the ouch at 6 PM, I no longer look like someone rubbed sandpaper all over my body the second I eat sugar (#rashyAF). I no longer wake up hating the world and barely able to keep my eyes open because I’m enduring one long sugar/gluten hangover. I’m less miserable – and have become overwhelmingly, annoyingly happy. I am content and haven’t experienced angst since I started. Most importantly, I’m god damn grateful, for everything. I am no longer in a rush to be everywhere all at once. People look at me and think I’m weird because I’m always slowly sauntering but I’m just GOD DAMN OBSERVING. SUE ME, SHARON. I’m constantly floating on a cloud and it’s comfy and the view is really pretty up here people.

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Look it’s me and the beau. 

What. The. Actual. Fuck. To think that the summation of most of my bullshit problems – headaches, brain fog, fatigue, moodiness – were a result of the garbage I was shovelling into my mouth on a daily basis actually blows my fucking mind. And not only that, most dieting advice is a god damn lie. Sugar is the actual devil. No, honey isn’t a good sugar replacement – your body absorbs it’s basically the exact same way as white sugar.

So what ended up happening is I would start feeling shitty again and I’m like, what the fuck body? Except now I listen. I actually listen to it. It’s like, ‘Hey I appreciate that you’re not treating me like an actual trash can but can you get up and move? Our muscles are starting to atrophy.’ So now, I exercise. I know. But it’s totally a thing now and it’s like 45 where I can zone in on my body and listen to really bad 90’s music really loud and I love every single minute of it. WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

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Seriously though I was getting bored with the elliptical so I did this exact workout video and it’s fucking hilarious. Billy Banks is INTO his own nipples

As a result of this, because I’m less obsessive about how shitty I feel it’s opened up space in my head for shit like, mindfulness and being kind and wondering about the kind of effect I have on people. Which is a world away from how I used to be where I would gladly put my giant food in my even bigger mouth and laugh about it later.

For someone who has felt out of control most of my life in terms of my health and my ability to enjoy my body, this has come as quite a revelation. Now instead of salt and vinegar chips (fuck I miss those) in my cupboard I have protein powder. Instead of milk I have unsweetened coconut milk. It’s odd. And sometimes I’m guffaw over how different I was exactly a year ago, but I’ve gotten to the point where I won’t sacrifice my health anymore for mouth feel. And I’ve essentially accepted that nothing tastes as good as donuts, or chips or McDonald’s french fries – because the ingredients make our dopamine sky-rocket of COURSE we like that shit. So don’t try to find a replacement just accept that real food tastes different – and fall in love with the variety of flavours our Gaia has to offer. Trust me.

And recognize. Where attention goes, energy flows. So what are you putting your attention on today? Is it serving you?

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This is the best picture I could find to relay transcendental, hippie, absolutely fantastic, usually unpalatable by most people, bullshit. FUCK I LOVE LIFE.

Jesus. WHO AM I.

2 thoughts on “Overwhelmingly, Annoyingly Happy

    1. So the key with sugar is it’s artificial and refined sugar that I can’t have. And for carbs, it’s non-starchy carbs. So pasta and potatoes are a no go. But sweet potatoes, brown rice and lentils/beans are ok in small amounts. The portion of non-starchy carb needs to be the smallest on my plate or I get really bad sugar cravings. xoxo

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