I’m Not a Good Apocalypse Partner

A little while back we were having a fire “issue” here in Southern Alberta. (Map here if you failed geography class.) For the most part, my hubby and I didn’t really have cause to worry as we weren’t close to any of them and our friends and family weren’t either. Except for one weekend, when a grass fire erupted about three blocks from our house.

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THANKS GLOBAL!

Now, for those of you who don’t know my husband in real life, he’s somewhat of a boy scout. For example, right next to our back door is a small emergency preparedness station including a book shelf with all manner of things including but not limited to: head lamps, radios, batteries and hatchets. This should make the transition from normal life into full-blown apocalypse much quicker for him, y’know, having it all so close to the door and everything. Anyway, upon learning that there was a fire so close to us kicked him into full-blown preparation mode. A mode where he’s highly effective but doesn’t have time for anyone’s shit or slow moving-ness. He left the house, flashlight and emergency pack in hand, to go tend to his Grandma who lives right accross the street from the fire. He left me with one instruction: prepare a “go-bag”.

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Apparently THIS is the kind of thing that should go in your ‘go-bag’.

I, on the other hand, usually paralyze and become exceptionally ineffective in times of crisis. It’s so apparent that my husband has told me I’d likely ‘slow him down’ in times of pandemonium. I offered him my ability to sarcastically and rudely narrate everyone’s move, and he told me he was more so looking for ‘experience with guns’ or ‘an ability to keep a plant alive’. Rude.

After he left to go be a hero to his Oma, I walked around the house wondering what kind of things I should put in my go-bag. My immediate thought: laptop. Yes. My laptop is worth more than anything I own put together, I’m sure. Okay I got my laptop, but I need the case for it. Where did I put the damn thing? Oh it’s here, right underneath this scarf my friend brought me back from Peru. Aww I would love to go to Peru. OH RIGHT. I need a charger for my laptop. *Proceeds to spend ten minutes winding the cord around the little bracket things so that it doesn’t get tangled in my bag.* What else… socks? Yes. Those cute little knee-high socks that look great in boots. Maybe some deodorant? I don’t want to smell.

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#accurateaf

I finished packing by tossing a couple leggings into my bag, my make-up bag, and some Advil. You know, to be smart. Nailed it. So I sat back and waited for the hubs to return, feeling quite proud of myself.

You probably guessed right, those were the wrong things to put in my ‘go-bag’. He came home wondering why it a) wasn’t siting adjacent to the door and b) why it has all manner of things we don’t need in times of crisis. So then he calmly but agitating-ly told me about how I need to be a better team player and what to actually put in my ‘go-bag’.

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Husband: If a disaster knocks out the power grid, how effective do you think your laptop is going to be?
Me: Ummm… I mean, for like 2 hours probably super effective.
Husband: Yeah? Without wi-fi?
Me: I mean, my creative potential doesn’t really need wi-fi.
Husband: *Stunned silence*

And then he asked me if the car had gas and I was all, ‘like a quarter tank I think‘, and he was all, ‘how far is that going to get us? Are we going to compete with thousands of other people to get access to a gas pump? And what if the grid is down and we can’t even get gas?‘ and I was all, ‘We need electricity to pump gas?‘ And then he divorced me.

Just kidding. I did however, learn a thing or two about emergency preparedness – but probably not enough to warrant me a good apocalypse partner I’m sure. Sorry babe.

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Will the post-apocalyptic world still have LOTR? ‘Cause I don’t wanna be a part of it if it doesn’t.

 

One thought on “I’m Not a Good Apocalypse Partner

  1. I’ve been pretty close to fires before. The most serious time I was a teenager living at home and I was having a sleep in. My mum said later she considered waking me, but then the fire changed direction so she didn’t worry about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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