Adventures in Being a Better Person

Being a better person? That’s not your thing! Is probably what you’re saying to yourself. But it’s time. I mean, I’m just talking about my body here. I haven’t even delved into emotional baggage or spiritual disconnectedness, but I DON’T WANT TO BORE YOU.

I’m just getting to the age where I’m starting to be fully aware of a few things. Aging, my declining and unable body, and gravity. What a heartless bitch. So now I’m trying to be a better person – the worst – and treat my body like it isn’t a landfill, endlessly available for my barrage of shitty food, booze and the occasional cigarette. Okay maybe more than one cigarette, but I’M DOING GOOD NOW OKAY? So I’m attempting to wade through literally the most confusing and contradictory field of information there is – health and wellness. Where it seems that medical doctors and nutritionists/naturopaths are constantly at odds – I often find myself at a complete fucking loss and to what is the correct information.  Low-carb, high-fat? What the fuck is ketosis really? 100-mile diet? Paleo? Is vegan really better for you? Thousands of people say yes but thousands say no. Does everyone who is gluten-free even know what gluten is? Why is a ‘gluten-free’ label on bottles of shampoo? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

So I started with baby steps. More water, less bread and more exercise. I saw amazing change with JUST water. Turns out I’ve been chronically under-hydrated my entire fucking life. From the age of 7 to now, I used to get about 4 headaches a week. No one could figure it out, countless doctors told me I had to deal with it because it’s definitely not a tumour and I’m definitely too young for MRI’s. So I just did. With daily lectures from my husband (a water lover) that I never drank enough water. WELL. Turns out he was right (fuckin’ hate it when that happens) and my headache count has gone down from 4 a week to 5-6 a month! Water is so cool. Did you know that it’s the only substance on earth that can exist in all three of its states… simultaneously?! SO COOL.

Sidenote: If you’ve never seen ‘Chasing Ice’ drop everything right now and watch it. It’s on Netflix. GET FUCKING INSPIRED PEOPLE.

Aaaanyway. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be so despite my small efforts to generally eat better, attempt more water and try to move my body away from my chair at least once a day, I’m not really seeing a difference in the way I FEEL. And that is all I really want, to FEEL better. For the tired and brain fog to go away, for the skin issues to go away (thanks dairy) for the 1 PM crash to go away and for the need for coffee to move through my life to go away. I don’t even have kids yet and I’m completely fucking exhausted. WHY? I’m not even 30 yet!

That’s what’s so sad about our modern diet industry. It seems to be about shaming and how we’re all too fat and going to die. It should be focused on just feeling better and if that comes along with weight-loss great, if not, also great. If you want to lose weight that’s fine, if you’re happy with your body, also fine. But I’m sure we can all agree that we’d like to feel a little less shitty. AMIRITE?


So now that I’ve read quite a bit, I’m starting to be convinced that the cure is food. So I’m starting today and dragging my husband along with me – he already hates the plant-based protein powder we’re drinking, but he’s toughing it out. (Not without that face that toddlers make when you try to stuff broccoli down their throat, however.) We’re cutting out gluten, corn, soy, dairy, sugar and artificial sweeteners, and peanuts. What does that LEAVE TO EAT?! Because let me tell you, sugar is in fucking everything. EVERYTHING. I panicked at the thought of not having a fucking clue as to what to eat, luckily there is literally endless resources at my disposal. So, I’ve got a meal plan for the next two weeks. And hopefully we won’t be found dead from starvation.

God damn Snapple. 

I’ll check in after at week and let you know how it’s going! Wish us luck!

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