TV Shows: The Dark List

My entire life, I haven’t known how to like things moderately. I always intensely love things – often for a short period of time – or intensely hate things. My whole life is one giant lack of a middle ground. It’s really quite exhausting. When it comes to very intense, TV dramas, I really truly take a deep dive into obsession border-lining on the point of no return. Typically when I find a new drama, it becomes my primary focus leaving me with dry eyes, a very dirty house and a neglected husband. When I found Grey’s Anatomy for the first time – TEN WHOLE SEASON OF ONE HOUR LONG EPISODES THAT’S LIKE A JACK POT PEOPLE – I don’t think I talked to my husband for a month. He didn’t want to point out to me that I was likely going through a depressive episode so he let me have it, but when I mentioned recently how I wanted to re-watch all of Grey’s Anatomy (cause I obviously mourned it when I finished it all) he kind of got a little uppity about it. Rightfully so. So, here’s a small collection of shows that I’ve given a large part of my life to for however long it takes me to watch every. Single. Episode.

Game of Thrones

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I feel like if you’re not obsessed with Game of Thrones are you even living? When I first discovered it I started talking in old-timey english in my day-to-day life and even let it start to creep into my workplace… people started to ask why I’m using the word fortnight instead of the normal, 21st century phrase: two weeks. I started to clear my entire Sunday so I could prepare for the inevitable death of one of my favourite characters. And you guessed it, I would mourn character deaths for a week at least. When Drogo died I deeply considered quitting the show, but when Ygritte died I think I was sad for two weeks. (Possibly more)

HER AND JON WERE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. AND NOW JON IS GOING TO SLEEP WITH HIS RELATIVE – TOO MUCH DRAMATIC IRONY.

I then started to plan viewing parties and pintrest-ing GoT themed decorations for my house. (Why CAN’T I make a wax dragons egg with a small, tiny dragon inside?) It got to a point where if you didn’t watch the show we couldn’t continue on with our relationship until you did so that we had something to talk about. It also became my only point of small talk. Impending doom? Systemic racism? BUT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHTS EPISODE? Go watch, and then come back.

Grey’s Anatomy

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This was a particularly frightening period in my life because I didn’t have a job when I discovered all 300 episodes. So, I went to bed at night, woke up at the crack of 11 AM, parked my ass in my lay-z-boy lounger and didn’t get up for 12 hours. Obviously, except to pee and get crackers. I wept a disturbingly ugly cry nearly every single episode and every episode I seriously contemplated going back to medical school. The more I watched it, the more I felt myself becoming more and more like Meredith. With her tough bitch exterior, I actually become more hardened over time.

When Derek and Mark died I mourned for a long time, I actually stopped watching for a little bit because I convinced myself it would never be the same. (It was but I seriously miss them.) Derek and Meredith’s relationship became the standard of amazing power couples … KIND OF like Jim and Pam and Chandler and Monica (DON’T DENY IT THEY’RE A GREAT COUPLE). When my husband and I had spats during that time, I would think, how would Meredith handle this? I dressed up as Meredith for Halloween that year and started to seek out a distant yet loyal best friend to get into all kinds of shenanigans and dance parties with. I became bitter over time when I didn’t find someone to fill that position. When I finally finished it I was depressed, but luckily I found Broad City right after to ease the pain. Jackson Avery still makes my ovaries scream. How fucking hot is that guy? UGHHH.

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So god damn dreamy.

Sons of Anarchy

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This one was weird because originally my husband tried to get me into it and I assumed that it was just a show for lonely, horny housewives. So I gave it a shot after he brought it up again and it journeyed me into another amazing dive. The hotness of Charlie Hunnam coupled with the sheer dysfunction of the entire family, it provided for 48 hours of straight TV watching. Looking back on it now, it was obviously another depressive episode.

For days I pondered if I could be an old lady, which I’m sure I would make a terrible one at first but then I would acclimate to the whole enterprise because my kids were born into that kind of life. I then wondered if I could be the head of any kind of criminal organization. I assumed that if I was a mob mom (#patentpending) that a dramatic documentary would be made about me after I died. My death would be either a murder or a suicide. No one would know for sure because they’d never find the body. Then I spiralled into thinking that I’d end up in Mexico and change my name, with a cult following would constantly be following me around. (It deteriorated quite fast.) I started having issues with my husband when I was in the middle of this binge because Gemma always fights with everyone on the show and since I obviously absorb characters on shows, I became kind of a cow for a short period of time. Then I’d never resolve it I’d just swallow the bitterness like Gemma does, like a good old lady.

I went up and down with my love for Jax, but he was hot so I always kind of loved him. Although I was deeply, deeply angry when he cut off all his beautiful blonde hair, only to look like a young Channing Tatum. One day I accidentally spoiler-ed myself that Jax ends up dead and I refused to watch it up until that point so I haven’t actually watched all of it, but it was an intense two weekends.


Honourable mentions: This Is Us (I cried like, so hard, dry heaving, mucous the whole thing, every single episode), House of Cards, Friends (obviously), Broad City, Blacklist, Homeland, How I Met Your Mother… and probably so many more. I love TV.

 

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