Parallel Meg

I’m like … 70% positive that when we die we just rot in the ground and become a part of the earth again. Maggot food. The whole bit. It’s a CYCLE people. But sometimes I do like to ponder the possibility that previous lives, or hell, even parallel universes exist – because what the hell else would I ponder about while I’m in line at the grocery store? Something HAS to distract me from the serial killer level rage that is about to come out of me because people don’t understand the concept of moving your cart over the side while you’re staring at the different kinds of flour for 5 hours. (Like why are there so many? And is there REALLY a differene between all-purpose and baking? I think it’s a corporiate flour shake down, and I’m unimpressed.)

So considering that I don’t have anything profound to share with you this week, I’m going to give you a short list of parallel universes or previous lives that I can 100% get behind.

  1. Meg (I’m Meg in case you didn’t know that) as a very surly, wildly unpredictable captain of a pirate ship. On the mornings I get up before noon, I shout at the deck hands for not being productive enough. Every day my crew deeply consider a coup. I sleep alone at night on a pile of pearls and gold. (It’s glorious)

    How great is my hat though?
  2. Meg as regular Meg but every time I say something hilarious, a unicorn appears from nowhere and slow claps for entirely too long. It would very quickly become tiring but it would eventually be my ‘thing’ so I’d have to stick with it, y’know, to keep face.

    In my defence the unicorn started off looking okay and now he looks like he was dropped on his head one too many times. Do unicorns have teeth? I’m lost now.
  3. Meg, the flier. Flying would be awesome, and I think everyone probably agrees with me. I do however imagine me having issues with my boobs slamming into my face from the lack of gravity – I imagine I’ll come up with some kind of flight suit specifically tailored to women with big boobs. Equality right?IMG_4362
  4. Meg as a she-warrior. I mean, obviously I channel my inner she-warrior on a daily basis, but I’d really like to think that at some point I embodied a literal warrior. War paint always on, boobs always ready to pop out. It’d be stunning.

    I just realized my arms aren’t really in the right place but I’m SURE you’ll get over it. Not like my mother who said she’ll never get over it if I cancel Christmas. So dramatic.

Side note: I really enjoy my she-warrior sketch. She’ll obviously have to become a recurring character every time I talk about how inside I’m a burning ball of rage and no one understands how I want to snap the necks of every person who says hi to me. I’m sure someone understands. It’s been a very rage-y week.

Stay tuned for another episode of parallel Meg sometime in the next year. SO YOU HAVE TO STAY TUNED FOR LIKE A LONG TIME OKAY?



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