I have a deep, dark, and shameful secret. It’s one that I don’t tell just anyone. But, I know I have a problem, and the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
I. Love. The Twilight Movies.
(Queue women dropping dish-ware everywhere.)
I know. I know. If you want to forever un-subscribe from my blog I completely understand. I would if I read that. I want you to know that I don’t love them because they’re cinematic masterpieces or that the script is an example of Dickens-level writing. I fully know they’re terrible and yet, every time I’m sick, I have a Pavlovian type response where I feel the need to watch them so I can feel better about my life. (Twilight pairs really nicely with snotty kleenex and orange sorbet.)
I truly can’t help myself, and every time I do watch them I get mad that the only thing Kristen Stewart can do with her face is that one facial expression that looks like she’s mildly constipated or trying to sort out a concept in her head that’s above her intellect level. You better believe I tweeted the casting director of those movies.
Can’t you just picture her audition tape?
Director: Yeah can you just start from the top of page 13, just the first two lines.
Kristen: I’d never given much thought to how I would die…
Director: Is that just the one facial expression you have?
Kristen: Yeah, it’s sort of my thing.
Director (whispering to casting director): Whatever she’s hot right? I mean like not a hard 10 but hot enough that she’s the flack we’re going to get over her face right? Here’s to hoping.
FADE IN: 1 EXT. RAIN FOREST, OLYMPIC NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTO N - DAWN Moss-draped. Shadow-drenched. Tortured tree trunks twist upward, reaching for rare sunlight. BELLA (V.O.) I'd never given much thought to how I would die..
Can we also talk about this excerpt from the script and the dramatic description of the intro to the first movie? Tortured tree trunks?
Tree trunk A (writing a letter to his wife at home): Day 464. I haven’t seen sunlight in what feels like decades. This insufferable torture doesn’t stop. Every day he comes around make us watch all 5 Twilight movies back to back. Everyday we’re forced to watch them I don’t get any closer to understanding Kristen Stewart’s face. One day, I’ll return home. Till then, tell the kids I love them.
HOW DID WE GET HERE? Back to the topic at hand.
Obviously from the get go I was team Edward (despite the fact that he’s like, slightly possessive bordering on some kind of J-LO ‘Enough’ type shit) ((If you haven’t seen Enough you need to, J-LO kicks a motha fuckas ass)) because Robert Pattinson is a dream boat and fuck you if you think otherwise. Also, because Taylor Lautner looks 100% pre-pubescent in these movies and I can’t get behind a tween having some kind of epic, sweeping romance of the ages. YOUR PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX ISN’T EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED YET.
The one good thing is it have given birth to many hilarious memes. My husband guffawed that I didn’t know about the, Still a better love story than Twilight meme which I’m now happy to know about.
So now you know. Now you know my shameful, dark secret. I vow to start attending TLA meetings (Twilight Lovers Anonymous) and I will continue on this path to recovery.