A Dark and Terrible Secret

I have a deep, dark, and shameful secret. It’s one that I don’t tell just anyone. But, I know I have a problem, and the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I. Love. The Twilight Movies. 

(Queue women dropping dish-ware everywhere.)

I know. I know. If you want to forever un-subscribe from my blog I completely understand. I would if I read that. I want you to know that I don’t love them because they’re cinematic masterpieces or that the script is an example of Dickens-level writing. I fully know they’re terrible and yet, every time I’m sick, I have a Pavlovian type response where I feel the need to watch them so I can feel better about my life. (Twilight pairs really nicely with snotty kleenex and orange sorbet.)

Twliht
Taylor Lautner looks like he’s six and Kristen Stewart is doing her one and only facial expression. Robert Pattinson is a babe and that will never change. 

I truly can’t help myself, and every time I do watch them I get mad that the only thing Kristen Stewart can do with her face is that one facial expression that looks like she’s mildly constipated or trying to sort out a concept in her head that’s above her intellect level. You better believe I tweeted the casting director of those movies.

Screen Shot 2017-10-15 at 12.25.48 PM
Clearly no one loved my tweet despite its cultural relevance.

Can’t you just picture her audition tape?
Director: Yeah can you just start from the top of page 13, just the first two lines.
Kristen: I’d never given much thought to how I would die…
Director: Is that just the one facial expression you have?
Kristen: Yeah, it’s sort of my thing.
Director (whispering to casting director): Whatever she’s hot right? I mean like not a hard 10 but hot enough that she’s the flack we’re going to get over her face right? Here’s to hoping. 

          FADE IN:
          
          1 EXT. RAIN FOREST, OLYMPIC NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTO          N - DAWN 
          
           Moss-draped. Shadow-drenched. Tortured tree trunks twist 
           upward, reaching for rare sunlight. 
          
          BELLA (V.O.)
           I'd never given much thought to how I would die..

Can we also talk about this excerpt from the script and the dramatic description of the intro to the first movie? Tortured tree trunks?

Tree trunk A (writing a letter to his wife at home): Day 464. I haven’t seen sunlight in what feels like decades. This insufferable torture doesn’t stop. Every day he comes around make us watch all 5 Twilight movies back to back. Everyday we’re forced to watch them I don’t get any closer to understanding Kristen Stewart’s face. One day, I’ll return home. Till then, tell the kids I love them. 

HOW DID WE GET HERE? Back to the topic at hand.

Obviously from the get go I was team Edward (despite the fact that he’s like, slightly possessive bordering on some kind of J-LO ‘Enough’ type shit) ((If you haven’t seen Enough you need to, J-LO kicks a motha fuckas ass)) because Robert Pattinson is a dream boat and fuck you if you think otherwise. Also, because Taylor Lautner looks 100% pre-pubescent in these movies and I can’t get behind a tween having some kind of epic, sweeping romance of the ages. YOUR PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX ISN’T EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED YET.

The one good thing is it have given birth to many hilarious memes. My husband guffawed that I didn’t know about the, Still a better love story than Twilight meme which I’m now happy to know about.

df8
My husband has brought so many good things into my life, including this meme.
twilightvagina
This one has always been my favourite.

So now you know. Now you know my shameful, dark secret. I vow to start attending TLA meetings (Twilight Lovers Anonymous) and I will continue on this path to recovery.

4 thoughts on “A Dark and Terrible Secret

  1. I loved the books but don’t care for the movies. I’m sorry.

    I always support the things that people love, and I totally can’t talk shit because I’ve re-watched the fucking VAMPIRE DIARIES for some unknown reason.

    But I’m gonna talk shit.

    Because no issue is as divisive as Twilight.

    SHUT UP – WHAT? – NOTHING COMES TO MIND – I’M NOT TALKING POLICTICS RIGHT NOW

    Now we all know the whole ‘written to reinforce Mormon ideals, abusive relationship, terrible storyline, yada yada yada’ stuff.

    Cause I can ignore all that.

    BUT WHY ARE THEIR SPECIAL EFFECTS SO SHITTY?!

    I mean, even the original Buffy movie had better effects… AND IT’S 25 YEARS OLD.

    Like all other white girls before me, Imma wrap this up with “I can’t even.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg I know dude. The graphics are horrible especially with the wolves. But I feel like no one can nail down wolves because even in game of thrones the dire wolves are weird looking and they can’t get their movement right. Ugh I can’t even.

      They’re terrible and I admit that but I rewatch them at least once every three months.

      Like

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