On Being an Awkward Being

In general I’m a pretty awkward human being. On more than one occasion I’ve gone in for a handshake when the other person has gone in for a hug.

handshake.png

I’m also pretty fumble-y in the words department when I first meet someone, with contributions to the conversation consisting mostly of weird sounds, a fully flushed face and inappropriate moments of “I agree”.

birthday.png

There is a very endearing moment when another person and myself cross the threshold where I officially leave awkward-town and head full speed toward obnoxious-ville. This train is usually fueled by alcohol and poor decisions. And, unfortunately for whoever is my newest victim of verbal assault and loud noises, there are no return trains to awkward-town.

I think the awkwardness comes from not wanting to immediately overwhelm people with my very large personality, as it can be quite off-putting. And because of my inability to be subtle about anything, I can come off a little strong.

Pube

But something interesting is happening as I get older. I’m finding that my awkwardness extends to even when I’m alone. At several points during the day I catch myself audibly making strange noises or commentating on things when there is no one else around.

bath

I also have observed another really disappointing phenomenon, (and yes it’s disappointing to find something else about yourself that should land you on the cover of ‘you’re inept’ magazine) whereby I’m not fully aware of the space I occupy in the world, and crash into things all the time.

And when I say crash, I really do mean crash. You would think after living in the same place for close to a year, I’d be familiar with the size of my doorways, and not slam into the frame every time I walk through one and attempt to make an immediate sharp turn. But I do, every time. Which usually results in odd bruises right around my hip and shoulder line.

door

Maybe I’m in denial about the size of my body? Maybe it’s a problem with depth perception? Who knows, but I do it at least once a day. Even at my clients houses, I smash into showers, door knobs and counter tops. And then I spin around and see if anyone just noticed how that fuckin’ thing just came out of no where and attacked my body.

As a result, this awful unintended side-effect has decided to show it’s face. Now that I know I’m like an awkward hippo navigating the human world, I’m hyper-aware of my surroundings. Because, y’know, I don’t want to look like an asshole smashing into everything like a blind person without a cane. So NOW, I walk around like I’m trying to make my way through a sea of set mouse-traps, and whenever someone approaches me during my moments of sublime ineptitude, I immediately jump out of my skin and prepare for an impending attack.

This is the same response that happens when I hear fireworks, a very loud muffler or a car back-firing.

Siege

So if we first meet and you’re palpably uncomfortable because I’ve been staring too long or issuing inappropriate responses, just remember that one day, we’ll cross that sweet sweet divide and you’ll question if it’s actually a better place to be.

 

 

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