Let me be clear, I’m generally pretty stoked on my gender. And not in a, boobs are fun look I get to play with them whenever I want, kind of way. In a pretty genuine, sometimes overly conceited we are the better sex, kind of way. While I’m sometimes disheartened by representatives of my gender, for the most part I feel pretty lucky. I mean hey, I live in a place where I don’t get stoned to death for showing my ankles and overall, I get treated with a decent amount of respect. (Not withstanding the teeny tiny micro aggressions that seem to attack my levels of emotionally, capability and overall physical strength, but hey, that’s for another day).
All that said, sometimes I fantasize on the things I would get up to if I was equipped with a penis and testosterone for just one day. For instance…
**I would immediately run around naked and flap my penis about, hopefully in someones face. And aggressively so, ensuring it makes that hilarious clapping noise. Is there anything funnier than a flaccid penis? IS THERE? I mean probably, but imagine for someone who has had internal genitalia her entire life to all of a sudden be adorned with this hilarious, soft, cooked spaghetti noodle on her body. I would definitely attempt to do a full spin without the use of my hands. That’s a thing right? Boys do that right? I hope so.
**I would pee, everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. On someones body if they’re in my way. Because I’d be an agressive urinator for one day. What a different world it must be to be able to just whip it out and enjoy sweet relief whenever you damn well feel like it. Bushes, sidewalks, cups? All the target practice. Everyone cover their eyes because I’ve had 7 energy drinks and I’ve set up a u-ring toss. GET IT? HA HA
**I mean, I would likely stick it into everything I can. Just to see if it fits. You know you would too. It’s like one big came of round peg, round hole! It would probably get stuck, on a variety of weird things. I would likely have many awkward conversations with my spouse trying to get help removing myself from aforementioned things. Anything circular? Game OVER! Couches? Anything that is an obvious opening really. Because lets be honest, if I have a penis for a day, I’m going to be super fuckin’ shameless about it.
**Constant, never-ending readjustment. That’s the name of the game with dicks isn’t it? I feel like I spend half of my waking life being privy to men in the middle of moving one ball over, or pushing it around, or tucking it into their butt, whatever it is they actually do. Is it difficult when it’s 31 degrees outside? I know it is with boobs, so I can’t even imagine. I’d be able to fully appreciate ball sweat for one day! I hope it’s everything it’s cracked up to be.
**I would fully submerse myself into – what I can only imagine as being hugged by a cloud, dipped in women’s tears and Jesus’ love – the patriarchy. For one whole day I could go about my normal life, make decisions and engage in leadership without any undue questioning or distress. For an entire 24 hours no one would ask me if I’m irritated because my “monthly gift” is coming. No one would question my decision to take a day off of work to stay at home and masturbate for 10 consecutive hours. Even better, everyone would just assume that I know what I’m talking about. It would be even more helpful if I had slightly grey hair, because then, NOT ONLY am I a capable, penis-owning individual, I appear to be older and thus far more wiser. I would blabber on through an entire day with just…. shit coming out of my mouth, absolutely no clue what I’m talking about, and I would likely end up with a small following of true believers. That’s obviously how cults are started.
**Lastly, I would engage in simultaneous chest-puffing, man-spreading and man-splaining. The masculine trifecta.
“Oh Susan, I know you’re new so let me explain to you how this end table works.”
“Yeah… you’ll have to go grab a seat elsewhere because my entire body is taking up two times the amount of room I actually need because my open legs need to accommodate possible breezes, and lusty women.”
“This your new boyfriend? Allow me to assert my dominance with an inflated chest and flared pectoral muscles.”
On second thought, maybe I’ll stick with my vulva.