How To: Land On My Shit List

Coincidentally it actually doesn’t take much – at all! The fact that I spend most of my time inside where I’m far away from all the truly upsetting people, isn’t for any other reason than… I can’t deal with most of you. You might be confused… because sometimes I get overly doughey-eyed and fall in love with the human race in all of it’s wondrous, complex beauty; but lez-be, usually I find myself in a consistent state of profound befuddlement and irritation at all of your quirks, habits and shitty mannerisms. SO since I’m now accepting applications for friendship (try to contain your excitement) … I have compiled the things I hate most about most of you… so you ought to read it before you apply.

Do you drag your feet? I hope you’re a part of the first official culling of the human race. To make things even worse, if you drag your feet in Ugg boots that are salt stained and all bent to shit under the weight of your own horrible person-hood, I’ll harvest your organs for range practice. Of all the things that you could be lazy about. Picking up your feet is one of them? Really? Is the sheer weight of your legs just too. much. for. you. today? In between basic bitching and texting when you walk you can’t manage your feet? Take yourself out back. 

People who have poor walking etiquette. POOR. Cities are a bustling place, which are filled with a lot of people. We ALL have to share said places. Sidewalks, trains and waiting rooms. Can you NOT be an asshole and figure-it-fucking-out when it comes to walking? For instance, if you’re in a large group of people can you try to not occupy all the space that ever existed, ever? Furthermore, much like traffic, keep up with the speed of the people. That means slowing down to look your phone is rude. And that kind of behaviour makes me wanna punch the back of your head. Lastly, keep your body on the right hand side, then you won’t crash your shitty self into every oncoming person.

When someone is telling me a story and gets super hung up on the small, unimportant details. Get a load of how much fucking time of mine you’re wasting.

“So I’m at Sabrina’s house last Tuesday, right? Or was it Monday? Or was it Saturday? Or was it Christmas? Or was it December 4th, 1986? It had to have been Tuesday because I started my period on Tuesday, but the moon cycle restarted on Monday so that must be the reason I was so cranky. Where was I?”

Did you know that it actually doesn’t matter what day of the week it was? I will FULLY be able to make sense of the story without knowing that piece of information. Did you also know that you can continue telling me your story without saying “I don’t know if the fact that he was black is relevant to this story, but I told you anyway”. Important, relevant information. Give me a fat-free story. Or I’ll literally fade out of existence and not listen to a word you said. You have 30 seconds of my attention and then I’m out, use it properly.

Honorable mentions:

• People who live for pre-packaged inspirational, bullshit wisdom
• Loud eaters, gum chewers, dick lickers etc.
• People who don’t move for emergency vehicles
• Know-it-alls/people who say “well actually…”
• Loud talkers
• People who park their grocery carts in the middle of the aisle
• Litterers
• People in general.

Don’t be a douche, clean up your garbage, pick up your feet, cover your cough, chew with your damn mouth closed. Common sense you would think? Evidently not. #yanasty