I gotta be honest, up front. I’m not overly seasoned in the dating pool. Since like … high school, I’ve only had to meet three sets of in-laws (I think). Regardless, I’m here to tell you that I’m a professional at impressing in-laws since all the ones I’ve had to meet adored me. Which is OBVIOUSLY due to the fact that I’m nothing short of, well, hilarious. So! I’ve decided to impart some essential, arrogant life advice, should you be nervously anticipating the date where you meet …….. the in-laws. (Only an elderly person would use that many ellipses, I hope you know I did that for effect.) Side bar: This pertinent life advice is also relevant should you ever have to meet bae’s boss, or any other supes important person.
Tid bit numero uno: You should probably wear something nice, but semi-modest. I’m not trying to repress your creative enterprise, I’m just preparing you for what might unfold, better to err on the side of caution. If you don’t know what semi-modest means, you’re hopeless. So… shoot for business casual. I know thats a term that perplexes a lot of people so let me break it down. I’ll try to be brief. Put away the clear high heels, Destiny.
a) LADIES: If you wanna rock a skirt or dress great, but lets make it not so short you’re about to pop a lip shall we? Which leads me to my next point, avoid high slits – like the one that Chrissy Teigen wore to the AMA’s. (What in the actual, right?) Pantsuit? SURE! Just know that they’ll be forever wondering if you bat for the other team. I mean, I won’t hunt you down if you decide that a skin-tone, skin tight dress that comes just under your butt cheeks with 6″ heels and a pompadour (that would make Elvis roll over in his grave) is the look for you – but c’mon know, you’re trying to make an impression.
b) BROS: Whatever happened to a nice pair of slacks or dark jeans and a button up shirt? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? Even khakis (which are hard to pull off under the best of circumstances) are better than some of the shit y’all are turning out lately. Don’t veer from that – yes I’m talking to you, put the patched jean jacket down, they just don’t appreciate it. I promise.
P.S. No corduroy … ever.
NUMERO DOS (Equis): Scrap the shameless swearing, incessant cynicism and poorly timed humour. (Unless you’re like me, in which case all of the humour is spot on… like 56% of the time.) I guarantee they won’t find it as charming as your spouse. Your spouse puts up with your foot-in-mouth disorder because you’re probably moderately good looking and will probably have sex with them later, that doesn’t work on the in-laws.
NUMERO TRES (JES): Stick with the bar rule, stay away from religion and politics – or really any overly controversial topic. You might actually accidentally align with one of their views while you’re spouting off about how Trump is actually pretty revolutionary and awesome, but that’s a big risk. Just don’t risk it. If you’re stumped for something to talk about that won’t ignite a big discussion, ask literally the simplest questions, about them. Remember people LIVE for talking about themselves. Where did they meet? What kind of TV do they watch? What’s their favourite position? (Jokes…)
NUMERO QUATRO: Remember some basic table manners you animal. I’ve given you the table setting just in CASE they’re super stuffy – better to be prepared. Don’t be hasty and start using your dinner forks before your salad forks. Remember that your elbows don’t belong on the table unless you’re a caveman and super proud of it. Napkin goes in your lap NOT tucked into your shirt, you’re not a toddler. I know this might be your only free meal in a while, but don’t aggressively reach over the person next to you to acquire seconds. And most importantly, take your effin’ hat off.
NUMERO LASTLY: Remember you have the capability to not only be a normal functioning human being, but one that isn’t incredibly, uncomfortably awkward. They probably won’t bite – unless you end up with a mother-in-law that literally worships her son – so don’t panic! Just know they’ll always be judging you, and that probably won’t change. Just keep those real, shady, slightly terrifying colours for like… the 10/11th time you’ve met them. Or maybe never. See I’m doomed because my mother-in-law reads my blog. #facepalm