I’m finally getting to the age where I say “Congratulations!” to people who announce their pregnancy instead of “Ohhh shittttt… what are you gonna do?”. In my older age I realize there are things that you just have or do when you’re finally an adult that seemed trivial as a younger version of yourself. I’ve done all the hard work for you, and have complied some of my favourite adulty things that adultier adults have or do.
- Matching sheets. Now that you’re in your mid to late 20’s you suddenly have a use for that non-fitted, top sheet! (Who knew?!) If you fold it down over your comforter it looks fancy as fuck, and creates the illusion that you kind-of have your shit together. When you have people over they all of a sudden marvel at your ability to match colours together – it’s almost as though you didn’t skip that class in kindergarten after all. It’s time to throw out the mis-matched, questionably stained, not-even-a-real-sheet, out. This also goes for just several old ass towels strewn about all over your bed. (I’m lookin’ at you.. men.)
- A potato peeler that isn’t from the dollar store. Do you know what’s irritating? Peeling potatoes with a piece of shit, garbage peeler. Y’know, the one that you can’t really peel towards yourself or away, and you end up peeling the potato a millimetre by a millimetre at a time. Do you know who needs a fancy, functional peeler? People who cook more than 2 potatoes at a time – humans who have other humans over for dinner. Do us all a favour and get yourself a good peeler the second you turn 25. See also: nifty – albeit expensive and not at all worth it – kitchen gadgets like kitchen aid mixers, waffle irons and margarita machines.
- A gas tank that isn’t ALWAYS on empty. I fondly remember pulling up to the gas station as a freshie and putting gas in 5 dollars at a time, because I was trying to decide what to afford that weekend, gas or alcohol. Turns out both won! So instead of filling my tank and passing on the liquor filled weekend, I just put 5 dollars in and scored myself a mickey of no-name vodka. The older I get the more I literally can’t even fathom the thought of going to the gas station that much. And what happens if you end up stranded somewhere? What happens if I want to take an impromptu trip to wholesale foods to stock up on apples and lunch meat? So you just fill it, because you’re old and stuff now.
- Not going out on a Friday night because you just got a new vacuum but mostly because the thought of going out, finding parking, paying $8 a beer and taxi-ing home only to have to drag your hangover ass back to the bar the next day to pick up your car is literally the most horrifying thought ever. Do you know what you get when you go out to a club or overly busy bar? Sticky feet, profound irritation and lots of questions. Can you walk in heels that high? Are you cold in that tiny ass dress? You’re about to pop a lip! Are you really gonna go for that god-awful pick up line? If you’re lucky you might even get a drink spilt on you by the WOO-girl celebrating her 18th birthday for the 3rd time this weekend.
- You start to appreciate things like, benefits and job stability. Because after a while, living in your van (slash your moms basement, studio apartment that’s falling apart etc.) driving from place to place, showering at the gym and couch surfing because you’re not attached to things is all well and good until you need a root canal, to keep a girlfriend for longer than a month or any money in general. I am ALL about free living, you don’t need a mortgage to be considered an adult. However, unless you’re prepared to declare yourself a sovereign country, shit still costs money. Later in life it ends up getting fucking exhausting constantly worrying about how you’re going to afford things. Enter benefits, unions and stability.
- A full 8 hours is like first thing on the must have list. I will cut a bitch if you come between me and a full nights sleep. When you realize that the nights of staying up till 3 in the morning only to roll out of bed at 8 and still fully go about your day despite it without actually murdering someone, are OVER and you’re bluesy about it… call me, I feel you. You’re aging when your bed understands you better than most people.
You’ve made it to the end, and you’ve made … IT. Congratulations, it’s all down hill from here.