Harambe: The Latest Internet Catastrophe

What a tragedy some say, that a 400 pound endangered, majestic animal was shot in the name of saving a four-year-old child. How absent and neglectful the mother must have been for allowing her child to find himself inside of this enclosure that houses a massive, wild animal. Brought to you by: thousands of people who wouldn’t give a flying fuck about most things in their day to day life, have stumbled on Facebook for 5 minutes during their Monday morning shit to create this egregious, dramatic internet catastrophe that’s the latest, and greatest thing to pour all their bitter hatred into. For two days. ‘Cause lord knows, we’re really great at pretending to vehemently care about something for like a week, max. After that, the Facebook feed gets a little too long, and the Friday beers a little too sweet, to give a fuck about a gorilla that’s half a world away, for most of us. Please don’t confuse that statement as me saying that it’s not worth something caring about, but can we be fucking real for two seconds?

Do you remember when Cecil the fucking lion was the biggest rampage happening around Facebook that lasted a grand total of 4 days? The climax of the whole ordeal being a staged protest of around 6 people at that Dentist’s office? My god. Wasn’t it just, awe-inspiring how we all put aside our shitty personalities and our borderline drinking problems to become aggressively impassioned conservationists, over night. Jane Goodall was just, so proud. So proud that we shared the same news story in an overly hateful post about how it’s people like HIM that make the world an evil, unliveable place. No. It’s people like YOU.  Yes you. 

Seen above, an accurate depiction of the seriousness of these stories.

People like you, that delight and revel in contributing to the internet, hating machine. The Facebook shares, the subreddits, the tweets. These are the platforms that pump out stories mildly divisive in nature and turns them into obnoxiously polarized issues, for such a minuscule amount of time. The same amount of time it takes me to make a cappuccino, poop in it, and deliver it to the door of whoever is pissing me off that week. (Where is Uganda? Who knows, but I know I’m mad about something that’s happening there.) Or at least rant about it on Facebook. #icareaboutthings

Here’s another stain on our “cultural” heritage. Remember when #kony2012 was a thing? I didn’t think so. Joseph Kony (’cause I know, KNOW, you don’t know his first fuckin’ name), started becoming prevalent with the LRA after the Ugandan Bush War which ended in 1986. 1986! It took the first world, what, 26 years of child solider recruitment into his backwards ass Christian cult before we realized/gave a shit/Facebook shared/tweeted that it was happening?! Then the infamous year of 2012, some asshole released a 30 minute video of his time trekking around Africa and the internet COLLECTIVELY lost their shit, again, for like 20 days. Then it was over! After the 4th day it turned into one big fuckin’ cartoon. Carl Weathers became a thing, the founder masturbated in public and we all ended up disenchanted … again.

Here’s a straight up, blatant example of how hard we suck at caring about things. #overit

And now, here we are, again. This is a familiar place hey? Something has happened and we’re all shitting our unified pants over this incident that has nothing to do with us, and will likely be over in a day or two. Someone will write the mother a death threat, someone else will petition to shut down all zoos, forever. In an effort to create this illusion that we’re caring, and concerned people. When really, all we want to do is get back to our televisions and our alcoholism. That is not to say that you shouldn’t care, or that caring somehow, is wrong. This is to say, that you all suck at caring. Why don’t you get the fuck off Facebook, aiight? I promise that not one person is interested in your rants, your comments, your letters of disapproval. ALL OF YOU. If you want to care, stop caring about people noticing your caring. Go and actually do something. Volunteer, donate money, offer free classes on how to be a better parent. WHATEVER. If you feed the hating machine and then forget that it was a thing like countless other trends, you are 100% a part of the problem, and I will 100% poop in your coffee.

See below a comprehensive guide of the steps you should take if you find something offensive on the internet: