Ladies and gentleman … it’s a blog takeover!
My friend and fellow blogger, Meagan at Happily Hostile, and I have decided to come up with a new monthly blogging idea. What will happen every month on the 29th (or whenever we feel like it because deadlines are something we both suck at, I mean really, what were the odds we would pick the 29th in February on a Leap Year) is we each pick a terrible movie for the other to watch and then we have write about how this movie was pitched to the studios who made it.
And that’s how we came up with Basic Pitches.
Because Meagan apparently hates me, the first movie she forced me to watch was Three Headed Shark Attack. Without further ado, let’s pitch this bitch.
Me: Good afternoon producers and executives! I’m here to pitch an amazing idea to you all that is totally original and not terrible. It’s a dark struggle between good and evil, an uprising of human compassion and being able to work together. Sacrifices are made, emotions are high, heroes are created. I call it, Three Headed Shark Attack.
Producer: Is this the sequel to Two Headed Shark Attack?
Producer: Well, I don’t know….
Me: Let met tell you the plot. First of all, it’s only an hour and a half long. A deadly mutated three headed shark, created thanks to a massive garbage patch in the ocean, attacks a research station. After the survivors get off the tiny island, they notice the shark is headed towards a party boat because of the amount of debris coming off the boat. The survivors call for help from the coast guard but for reasons unexplained, a random boat with fishermen respond instead. These two boats are off to the rescue. After they rescue an alarmingly small amount of people off the party boat, the main fisherman on Random Boat chops the middle head off of the shark. Thinking they have finally beat this monster, the shark grows THREE HEADS TO REPLACE THE ONE HEAD! Mind blown, am I right? Naturally, the main fisherman dies and the remaining people are off the to races again. Around this time, they realize the only way to defeat the shark is to over feed it garbage and will just implode for reasons. And the best part? Everyone dies except two people.
Producer: It’s like Die Hard meets Finding Nemo. This sounds like an instant classic. Who are we going to cast for this movie?
Me: Well, I definitely have zero money to finance this so we’ll probably get some pretty shockingly bad actors. People no one has heard of. This will be the stepping stone into a life long career.
Producer: That’s all fine and dandy but we’ll need at least one big name and one obscure choice.
Casting Crew: I know who the main fisherman should be. Danny fucking Trejo.
Me: NAILED IT.
Casting Crew: I’m sure he’d be on board with that. Also, you know who’s always looking to do terrible movies whether they have a ton of fame or not? Wrestlers. Now, I don’t think we can get The Rock to join, but Rob Van Dam owes me a favour.
Me: Well, okay. But only if he can do a Five Star Frog Splash on the shark.
Producer: Don’t be ridiculous, there’s no way that could look realistic at all. Now, how can we make this feel like it’s the longest hour and a half of anyone’s life?
Me: Well, to keep people interested, we should show a lot of unnecessary boobs.
Producer: Boobs are always necessary.
Me: Fair point. I mean, I know I said it’s an hour and a half long, but I only have about 45 minutes of actual dialogue and actions shots. The rest of it needs to be filler.
Producer: I know just the trick. We’ll have all the actors and actresses struggle for an unnecessary amount of time with the shark, look longingly in the distance for reasons, and of course, slow motion the shit out of everything.
Me: Great idea. I also would like to rip off a classic Jurassic Park scene. You know that moment when the lawyer gets eaten off the toilet by T-Rex? Let’s do that. Only the shark will come up from the bottom and eat him.
Producer: God, I wish I had your brain. You know in Happy Days when Fonzie jumps the shark? Why don’t we have someone RIDE the shark in an attempt to kill it.
Me: That can’t be bad. But before this brave soul rides the shark, let’s have him jump off the boat in an extremely dramatic, and obviously slow motion-esque way. We need the drama to be strong.
Producer: So, this shark, it’s obviously a lot BIGGER than a regular shark. Does it make noise? Because noise equals fear.
Me: Well, you’d think I would have done a lot of research on sharks before I pitched this idea, but I did none at all as I’m hoping all my money can go to awful CGI. But I think this shark should growl like a bear.
Producer: Do sharks growl?
Me: If Michael Bay can put fire-y explosions in space in Armageddon, I can put a growling bear shark in Three Headed Shark Attack.
Producer: You make a strong argument. Now, where does the heroism come into this movie?
Me: Well, I’m hoping to sacrifice a lot of people for the greater good. Most of these people are strangers, although they will constantly refer to each other as friends, and you know what gets American’s motor running? Everyday citizens throwing themselves into avoidable danger and dying for no reason whatsoever.
Producer: It’s the American dream, really. So many people will be able to identify with these brave souls.
Me: That’s what I’m talking about.
Producer: So the shark dies via eating a ton of garbage. That’s pretty anticlimactic.
Me: I know, but, no one will see it coming. Everyone will expect explosions and blood and guts, etc etc. But instead, the shark will just sink to the ocean floor, the two remaining survivors will sit on the edge of the boat and the movie will literally end abruptly as fuck.
Producer: Wow. It’s so M. Night Shyamalan.
Me: I KNOW!
Producer: Okay, it’s been decided. I need to produce this movie. How would you like to start this movie off?
Me: Definitely a sex scene followed by a porn star being the first victim of this shark.
Producer: I like the cut of your jib.
See my ridiculous pitch meeting for Grown Ups on Lady Dickson’s blog HERE!