Stock Photos: You’re Doing It Wrong

Stock photos give me life. Look at these fucking assholes.

stock photo1

See that chick on the far right? You know she be thinkin’ about the D.

I love them. So much so, I’ll spend entirely too much time surfing google images to find painfully bad ones that are available for PURCHASE and on super-serious websites. Usually, the worst ones are business related. If I saw that photo on the website of the company I was hoping to work for, I’d straight up throw in the towel and quit. That’s the same company that has the boss that wants to be your friend. The boss that walks around asking if “we’re having fun yet” and making pistols at everyone with his fingers. I’m 100% certain working for them is going to be an embarrassment.

stock2

What the picture is trying to convey: “Look at us! We’re of different cultural backgrounds but we trust and respect each other. Look at how much of a good time we’re having!”

What it really conveys: “This fuckin’ bitch just complained to our manager that I sexually harassed her, and now when she leaves the office I’m going to follow her home and wear her skin as a coat.”

stock salad

What the picture is trying to convey: “This salad is so good. Eating this salad doesn’t at all make me a miserable bag of shit. Salad = life.”

What is really conveys: “I hate myself. For breakfast and lunch, I eat half a grape and three almonds. At 8:00 PM I eat three boxes of twinkies and a tub of ice-cream to myself. Twinkies = life.”

stock2due

What the picture is trying to convey: “Look at these good-looking white people all laugh together over a shared joke. Come work for us! You’re guaranteed a giggle or two!”

What is really conveys: “I’m fucking both of these dudes, and right before this picture was taken I found out they’re also fucking each other. Guy on the right is a power top.”

stock psycho

What the picture is trying to convey: “More laughing! All of us here have a good time with each other. Stanley here is famous for a hi-LARIOUS joke involving a monkey.”

What it really conveys: “I might kill her later.”

stawck

What the picture is trying to convey: “We respect people from different cultures AND women! Look at how the two on the left are standing at the exact same height? That PROVES we think women are equals.”

What it really conveys: “We had to hit our diversity index so everyone wouldn’t think we were racists/misogynists. Our staff is 98% old white men. Women usually quit after Jerry makes his third comment about her ‘sweet ass’.”

Stock photos are one of the more most embarrassing things that white people (don’t even deny for a second that you think this atrocity was someone else’s doing) have come up with, as a desperate, awful attempt to relate to other people. Do us all a favour and use real, gen-u-wine photos if you’re trying to pass something off as awesome.


Real talk though: Isn’t that second last picture the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen? I’m for sure going to have nightmares tonight.

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