Welcome back to Worst People Wednesday! A day where we get to put the spotlight on a shitty group of people instead of y’know… getting a job or doing something constructive with our lives. Do you like how I’m including you in this amazing cesspool of dysfunctionality? Shh shh. You’re a part of it, don’t fight it. On the docket this week is …
Oh sure, Facebook has provided us with a glorious information super highway! It helps us get in touch with people from all over the world, it’s given us a platform to share our life, photos, stories… NOT. Nothing good comes from Facebook. Facebook has bred a generation of shitty, food picture-taking, micro-brew drinking, inspirational quote sharing, kitten video posting, using-as-a-platform-for-social-change people. If you are any of the following people, you should re-evaluate your life, and if we’re friends, I’ll have to re-evaluate our friendship. Don’t make me come over there.
The Dirty Laundry Airers: So you’re having boyfriend/girlfriend troubles? Seeking revenge on a former girlfriend by being way too frank about her habits/lifestyle? Confused as to which of the many men you’ve slept with is the father of your baby? Period pain? Anti-abortion views? I can guarantee you, with 100% certainty, that no one is interested. If you’re turning to Facebook and your handful of friends to help you solve your problems, you should probably see a counsellor. It only makes you appear desperate and shitty. Don’t be shitty.
The Game and Event Inviters: If you haven’t figured out by now that no one likes the incessant, never-ending game invites, you should probably get out more. However, we now have a bigger problem. It’s the perpetual event invites. Do I want to come to your electronic music concert located downtown, no parking, heinous cover charge and bleeding ears? Probably not. Can I attend your surprise birthday party for that one acquaintance of mine I met 6 years ago and haven’t seen since, that lives halfway across the country? That’s a hard nope from me. Do you even look at your friends list before you invite or do you exclusively hit that mass invite button? If you invite me to an event with a title that is completely incomprehensible because it’s a headliner of a concert with 16 featured artists that all have ridiculous names, half of the letters are symbols, I’ll find you and slap you with a dead fish. Are you AWARE that Facebook has this cute feature of sending me a notification reminding me of all the events I’m invited to? How dare you unleash this annoyance on me. Asshole.
The Baby Documenters: I get it, you love your children. Before you get all rage-y on me, I’m not condemning you for loving your kids. I am however, condemning you for using your Facebook profile as your platform of your children’s activities, ongoings and personal development. Did you know they make baby books for that? Back before you could tell the whole world that little Timmy pooped on the potty for the first time, you wrote that shit in a book entitled “Our Baby Boy”. It all starts with pregnancy. Ultrasound pictures, baby bump progression photos, joining mommy groups, sharing infant tips and tricks for around the home. You delete all your pictures from college when you were beer bonging 40’s of Big Bear so that you can cultivate the illusion that you are prepared for the birth of this child. Then it’s born. The hospital pictures, the “It’s A ____!!” status, the professional photography where they tuck the legs under the belly and put a ridiculously massive flower on the head of that poor little girl, slap a filter on it and share, share, share. Then it starts walking and talking. Maybe you’ll post a conversation you had with your two year old about why they’re called Apple Fritters. Or maybe you’ll tell everyone about the transition into pull-ups, the first skinned knee. Golly! It’s so cute! Stop. You’re paining us all.
The Inspirational’s: Everything is beautiful. Life is beautiful and full of whimsy. “Live, laugh, love” is my favourite quote. I like to share photos of sunsets with pre-packaged garbage wisdom on them to make myself feel better about how I drink a bottle of wine to myself every night. Being a source of light and wisdom is hard but I’m the hero Facebook deserves. Lets be real for two seconds: I applaud your ability to swallow the bullshit and pump out happiness, fake or not. /twosecondsover. But, for the rest of us bitter, cynics – it’s vomit inducing. It really is.
‘Cause that’s who I want my wisdom from today. Demi Lovato.
The Troll: How could we not include the troll? If you’re new, the troll can be loosely defined as: “One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.” The Facebook troll is similar. In it’s natural environment, the Facebook troll can be seen posting argumentative comments on any of the following subjects: climate change, abortion, gun laws/rights, which craft beer is best, why porn is actually good for you, feminism etc. You get it. Typically the troll posts for the sake of upsetting and causing distress. You can’t break them down, so don’t fight them. Don’t even mildly entertain the bullshit, it won’t end well. If all you have to do with your time is upset the masses by sitting behind a screen chuckling to yourself, I’m depressed for you. Thank you, however, for providing us with endless hours of entertainment … from a distance.
I didn’t want to make this too long, but there are a couple that deserve an honourable mention:
The Business Kids: The people who run their business/fortune 100 company out of their personal page and their handful of business pages and linked Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr accounts.
The Aggressive Hashtaggers: Did you know? Hashtags are used to identify messages on a single topic, and are usually exclusive to twitter and Instagram. #livelaughlove #fitspo #fitfam #QOTD… You don’t need to aggressively hashtag on Facebook, I promise.
The Over Emphatic: Woah, you don’t need to post everything in all caps. Why are you yelling? Also, if you’re using an ellipsis in your status, you only need 3 of them, not 1300. Selectively pick your use of emojis to ensure it isn’t coming across like you just railed cocaine off the back of a toilet tank.
The Gross Couple: You tag each other in everything, you leave messages on each others wall (probably when you’re right beside each other) or you might even post photos of your tongues playing tonsil hockey. Gross. Stop.
Do YOU have a suggestion for Worst People Wednesday? I’m always looking for new inspiration. Leave it in the comments!