We’re all adults here. I think we can appreciate that we’ve come to a time in our growth (or decline if you’re a cynic) as humans, that online dating is super normal, and not really weird anymore. I was just doing some light browsing (because I’m unemployed and how else would I spend my time?) and there seems to be a litany of generic examples of online dating profiles that you can grab and use if you’re too busy/tired/lazy to construct one of your own. But, lets face it. You should probably use someone else’s words, because if you are left to your own devices, you’ll come out with a dating profile on steroids, claiming that you’re Ivy League educated and that you own a cabin in Vermont. You’ll hope that by that time the cabin in Vermont comes up, he/she will be so in love with you they’ll over look that and settle for your 1 bedroom apartment and 3 cats.
In consideration that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I figured that I’d offer up a few components of your average dating profile, deconstructed for your reading pleasure. Or as I like to call it: An Honest Dating Profile.
The Profile Picture:
Wow look at her! She’s got perfect blonde curls, rosy red cheeks and deep blue eyes. Could she get any more perfect? Probably. Let me break it down for you here, forearms. One of two things is happening here.
A) She’s either using a picture from her high school prom when everything still pointed upright or:
B) She just came back from the hair dresser, she pinched her cheeks till they borderline bled and she threw in some contacts or just photoshopped them. The photo you see is 1 out of 1,000 takes and it’s got 2-3 filters on it.
Or: Wow look at him! He looks like he could be the stock photo guy that you get when you buy a picture frame from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Chiselled jaw, great hair, gorgeous eyes and in seems to be in great shape!
A) Yeah. It’s the stock photo guy from the picture frame.
“I just turned 28 years old. Although I was born and raised in Atlanta, I now live in the New York. I have lived and traveled to many different places. I love the outdoors. My hobbies include cooking, reading, and really anything to do with dogs. Playing guitar and the Brian Eno play a huge part in my life. I have a Goldfish named Lucius.”
Can be translated to: “I just turned 34 but I’m in denial that my 20’s are over. I do live in New York, but not trendy soho/manhattan New York, more like Upper-East Side/Bronx, New York. I tolerate the outdoors when I’m sitting on a patio drinking margaritas at 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday. I’m really good at cooking ramen, I read the ‘Why Do Men Have Nipples, and Other Weird Questions’ when I’m on the can. The bit about dogs is the only true part of this entire thing. I fail at playing guitar, I know 3 chords and I routinely play Bad Moon Rising after 3 glasses of boxed wine. Brian Eno is my homeboy. My fish died three weeks ago.”
“My dreams are to flourish in my career and eventually own my own business one day. In the mean time I enjoy working in the fuel transportation service industry and am lucky to have a job considering the economy these days.”
Translates to: “One day after 10 years of marriage I hope to have a mid-life crisis and remortgage the house to get my home-made bird cage business off the ground. It’ll probably destroy our financial stability, but it’s been my dream for all of three minutes. In the mean time, I enjoy working as a gas station attendant. But I’ll tell you I’m a supervisor so you don’t leave immediately. I blame the economy for everything.”
“I’m now looking for a relationship, but I’m not looking to jump into anything without getting to know someone first. I’ve never been married, so I’m pretty sure it won’t kill me to take things slow and make sure we are compatible. If you are divorced, I’m totally OK with that. You had to leave him in order to find me right? :)”
Actually means: “I’m going to be having sex with a few people first. I also want to make sure that your presence doesn’t annoy the living shit out of me before I decide to solo it with you. I may have never been married but I’ve been in a slew of shit relationships that might as well be considered a marriage for the emotional baggage they’ve left behind. I’ll pretend I’m okay with your divorce, however I’ll always wonder if you’re consistently comparing me to your ex, and how I match up. I’m aware that you’ve been with other people, but it hurts my fragile male ego. Your divorce actually bothering me will come out after dinner and several glasses of wine at around the 6 month mark. I use emoticons because I’m overly concerned with tone, and might be a little needy.”
Statements of Bullshittery:
“I drink socially.” = “I drink almost every night.”
“I’m looking for a woman I can vibe with on a spiritual and intellectual level.” = “I’m looking for a woman who will get on top once in a while.”
“I don’t smoke cigarettes, but the odd cigar is nice.” = “I’ll never let you see me smoking cigarettes, but I do, all the time.”
“I’m a laid back guy.” = “I’m insanely jealous of your male friends, and while I won’t make it immediately apparent, my passive aggression will come out at the most inopportune times.”
“I love a woman/man who initiates.” = “I’m extremely self-conscious and very passive. You’ll have to be the sexually aggressive one or we’ll never get anything done.”