My grandfather was a defensive driving instructor right around the time I was learning how to drive. You can imagine what kind of a driver I’ve turned out to be. It’s my notion that you should be more on the hostile/sweary/aggressive side over the passive/terrified/shitty side when driving, but apparently this view isn’t shared with the general population. What is it about being behind a wheel that makes you immediately turn into a borderline raging sociopath? In the province I live in, you could be a fucking monkey and get a drivers licence. Apparently the only requirement of being in possession of a licence here is that you have opposable thumbs. I know that I often think my way is the better way, but I truly feel that when it comes to driving, my way literally is the better way. Don’t fucking cross me on this.
There are basic rules of the road. Mayhaps you’ve heard of them? If you haven’t let me take you on a refresher course. It’ll be painless, I promise.
1. See this sign? It’s called a MERGE sign. It can come in one of two forms, or BOTH. It can have the words merge on it or it can be two arrows, joining together in a beautiful picture of unity. (See picture if this is your first day.)
This sign is not, let me repeat that NOT, to be confused with a YIELD sign. (AGAIN, see picture)
When you approach aforementioned merge sign, the important part is to remember not to stop, in any way shape or form. You pick up speed, the speed of the traffic approaching you to the left, and you turn on your signal (note that part, it’s very important) and you MERGE in with the other traffic. If I catch you fucking stopping while I’m looking over my shoulder to see if someone is coming and I slam into the back of your shitty Buick LeSabre, I’m going to follow you, find you and smash your windshield in with a bat. I live in a place that regardless of circumstance, the person who does the rear-ending is ALWAYS at fault. If I’m going to be at fault because of your poor decision making, I will exact revenge.
2. Wet your palette with this sign:
This sign is for four-lane highways. It’s basic meaning is: When you’re going 10 km’s under the speed limit, your place is in the right lane. Not the left lane, playing Mexican road block* with the semi beside you, the right lane. Do you know why this lane exists? To make the flow of traffic not a complete cluster fuck. I’m not blaming you for going slow, maybe your car is on the brink of absolute explosion cause you haven’t changed the oil in 50,000 km’s, I get it. Move the fuck over, if that’s the case. Have you ever wondered why there is a car behind tail gating you in a fit of rage? (Easy, I’m not saying tail gating is an acceptable road practice) It’s because you’re going too fucking slow, and Mr. Fuckin’-gotta-be-somewhere is pissed about it. Turn your barely used signal light on and hop on over to that right hand side before you get murdered on the freeway going to Grandma’s birthday party.
3. Turn your fucking high beams OFF. Do you know what it’s like looking at high beams in the dark of night? It’s like someone piercing your retina with a spear. Do you stare at the surface of the sun in your spare time? No? Well then don’t make me do that. What makes it worse, is it’s incredibly difficult to re-adjust your eyes after seeing them. I don’t LOVE driving with little stars in my eyes when it’s pitch black out. You can be without a 100 yard, 180 degree field of illuminated vision for two seconds while you’re passing me.
4. Turn your fucking signal light ON. Do you ever see the person behind you flailing like a wacky-inflatable-tube-man after you’ve just cut in front of them, sans signal light? It’s cause they’re pissed. I would be too. Extend us drivers that are behind you the courtesy of a signal light so we don’t slam into the back of you because all of a sudden you’ve appeared right in fucking front of us. WITHOUT. WARNING.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Thoughts? Feelings? Hate mail?
*Unfamiliar with this term? Let me break it down for you. It’s when you drive right beside another car, at the same speed. Creating a barrier of bullshit that no one can get around.