Dating is hard. Especially now. The little games we play with each other are exhausting. Over time, relationships are fraught with disappointment because all their inner awful comes out that they’ve worked so hard and for so long to repress. Fear not. I’m here to help. Here are a few exchanges you may have with your prospective partner that are so full of shit it hurts. (Please understand that by no means is this a comprehensive list.) If you understand this going into it, you won’t be disappointed later. This will help you to get the most out of dating while your very juicy loins are still on the market.
As you can see, I’m a good person and I’ve broken them out into guidelines for men and for women. FOR YOUR READING CONVENIENCE.
At a late hour in the form of a text message, from a male can be loosely translated to: “All of my other questionable female friends aren’t responding to my texts right now and I’m slightly buzzed and frustratingly horny. I’m texting you in the hope that it will result in maybe a picture of your boobs or painfully awkward dirty talk. I won’t text you again until the next time I’ve had three pints alone at the bar. We’ll avoid eye contact if we run into each other in the real world.”
At a late hour from a female, also in the form of a text message: “I’m drunk and I’ve lost my friends and my purse. I need someone to hold my hair while I puke.” It should be noted that there is a linear relationship between the amount of ‘p’s added to the end of the word, i.e., ‘Supppppp’, and the severity of intoxication.
“What do you like to do for fun?”
“Oh I’m super outdoorsy. I really enjoy hiking.”
Is an outright lie if it comes out of a woman’s mouth. Hiking is often used as the chosen form of ‘outdoorsey-ness’ as it’s the easiest one to get through if he actually calls you on it. Instead of pole vaulting or cross country skiing. I enjoy hiking is a literal translation of, “The only exercise I get is when I have sex and when I attempt to go jogging once a month in an overly desperate maneuver to prove to you that I’m not a lazy piece of shit. Truthfully, I eat like a horse when you’re not around (this salad is a lie), and then I stuff myself into spanx – which is the closest thing I’ll get to a work out that day – right before we go out. No, I’m not doing yoga when you call, I’m drinking boxed wine and marathon-ing Orange is the New Black.”
She likes sports…
“The Greenbay Mermen (Friends reference) are my favorite team.” She knows that she can’t get away with just saying she likes sports, it’s too vague and prompts follow up questions. Chances are she doesn’t know the difference between basketball and baseball or doesn’t know how many downs are in a football game. If you take her to a sporting event she’ll probably just be stoked that you think she’s cool and that there’s hot dogs available for her to eat suggestively. She’s telling you that she likes sports because she doesn’t want to be perceived as a high maintenance type of ‘girlie’ girl. But, it’s also due to the fact that she wants to create an air of similarity so you’ll think that meeting her was serendipitous, look how much we have in common! When really, she’d probably rather be doing anything else. Also known as, “I don’t like sports, but I know you like them so I put up with them to be in your presence.”
She’s one of you!
“I’m basically one of the guys.”
She’s not one of the guys and she never will be. Men seem to require a certain amount of bro-down time, and when she says she’s one of the guys, she’s suggesting that she ought to be a part of said bro time. But not only that, you’ll have a good time with her there. She might as well be saying, “I’m just like you babe, now we won’t have to spend a minute apart because the second you’re out of my sight I’m wondering what you’re doing and who you’re cheating on me with.” Sounds crazy doesn’t it? It is.
He hates porn…
“I don’t actually like porn. It’s cheesy.”
Is the most ridiculous lie told by men, as if Hollywood hasn’t taught us otherwise. If they tell you they don’t like porn, it’s a lie. And don’t worry, it’s not a vindictive lie, it’s just dating code. He probably doesn’t want to be up front about how German orgies are his thing, or about how he spent last Saturday night while you were at wine night with the girls, researching the mechanics of midget porn. You may never look at him the same again after discovering his cinematic flavor (unless you share his weird taste) – he’s actually doing you a service. A very similar lie is the I don’t like strip clubs lie. If they’re really on top of their game, they’ll cite some feminist reason about how it’s degrading to women and how if he had a daughter…blah blah blah. The fact is men are visually stimulated, you could put a broom with boobs on stage and he’d still pay $15 for a steak sandwich at perv row.
His best friend is a girl…
“She’s my best-friend, nothing has ever happened with us. I don’t see her that way.” Chances are, he doesn’t now, which is why he’s available for dating. Good friends of the opposite gender will often attempt IT at least once, even if whatever it is, doesn’t work out. It can range from anything from an awkward, brace filled kiss when they were kids all the way to a drunken, debaucherous bang in the hallway of their shared dorm. She had rug burn, he has regret, it was messy. But it happened, just accept it. Be comforted (or disturbed, depending on the type of person she is) that she probably taught him everything he knows about dating. And hey, she got him when he was a n00b and didn’t know what was what, and you get the big-boy with the big-boy pants and the big-boy job with the developed cunnilingus talent.
He only has eyes for you…
“I don’t look at other women.” Do we have to go over this again? We shouldn’t. In no world, this one or the after life is he NOT looking at other women. That one over there has huge boobs and that one has a really nice bum and that one has those little dimples above her ass when she bends over. He’s probably thinking about putting his tongue in those little dimples. When he tells you that he’s not looking he really means: “I am looking at other women, and now I’m thinking about what a three-some would be like with all of us. Now I’m eating whipped cream off her nipples. I like you, but she’s pretty too.”