WELCOME to the inauguration of Worst People Wednesday. A day where I can lament about all the people who I despise and who are probably adult-ing better than me.
The entire culture of fitness offends me.
If you want to get in shape, without throwing it in my face, I’m into that. Eat your greens, get up off your ass every once and a while, sure. But the person that lives and breathes fitness every second of every day. Get out my face. But, the part that bothers me the most is the insane amount of money that gets pumped into gym memberships every year. My thought is that if you want to get in shape, or maintain a healthy lifestyle then why don’t you go the fuck outside and run the fuck around? There is something profoundly off-putting about paying someone to walk into their building and lift heavy shit up and down. Why don’t you find a small boulder or maybe even a small child and lift them up and down? What’s worse is that it goes so much further than just going to the gym. The entirety of this behemoth, steroid ridden mass that we refer to as, ‘fitness culture’ – especially now that we live in a proverbial state of ‘Instragramnation’ (bangin’ word provided by bangin’ friend Christine) – has turned us all into failing fitness doers and envious little shits. You feel me? When I look at an Instagram photo of some chick with perfect hair, $6000 Nike shorts on, glancing down at her perfect little 6-pack with the Valencia filter I want to punch myself in the face. #fitfam #livelaughlove.
People make their ENTIRE living off of the fact that most of us hate the way we look! So, they spend all day on Instagram taking photos of their abs or their asses, all while doing a handstand on one finger. Stand with me brothers and sisters in solidarity to not be one of those shitty people. The people who can’t stop talking about the #gaintrain, or the supplements, or the expos or the competitions. Have you seen the spray tans? My god. Leg day, back day. What day? Not fucking gym day, you asshole.
“I have to make weight before March 13th.”
“Fuck off, Sharon.”
Remember you don’t have to fall prey to this gross institution. Here are some things that you probably could do without when it comes to getting in shape and not hating yourself everyday:
- A gym membership (We already discussed this, don’t make me go over it again).
- Overly expensive fitness wear. This includes your $135 crop leggings that are ‘designed specifically for spin class’, we both know you’ll hate yourself afterwards regardless of what’s wrapped around your legs. AND your $65 Lulu tank that gives you the support of a sports bra without your gut popping out and being apparent to everyone in your yoga class. Let it be free, my sister.
- A grotesque amount of inane yoga/Pilates/barre/spin accessories. This can include: more than one mat, blocks (foam, wood, baby goat), straps (infinity strap, standard shitty strap), those ridiculous gym rings you drill into the ceiling that you’ll use once and then never again, bolsters and profoundly expensive water bottles. I get it, you saw your teacher do ‘fallen angel’ with a champagne flute balanced on her toe and a strap with 16 blocks in and around her to provide just the right amount of support and you want IN. STOP. You don’t actually need it. It’s all a lie.
- Fitness apps, blogs, books, leaders, guides, retreats etc. You can probably figure it out. If you’re REALLY new, google some shit for like 2 fucking seconds. You don’t need to create a library just for your 2 week phase that will most likely crash and burn with your face in a bag of Doritos.
- The Vitamix blender. Stop. Don’t. If you do, I’ll throw it out the window. There’s no reason you need a $400 dollar blender unless you’re opening a Jugo Juice out of your shitty apartment. You know what does a fine job? A standard blender. We both know it’ll sit in your cupboard 95% of the time, so don’t take out a second mortgage to buy one.
- A smile. Those. Mother. Fuckers. They show up at the gym/the Instagram photo shoot with a smile on their face, assholes clenched pretending like they aren’t completely fucking miserable. Don’t fucking lie to us. We all know how you feel inside.