World: Meet “Steve”.
I say “Steve” cause we’ve never actually met him. He/She/It is our elusive, darkness despising asshole of a neighbor that has deemed himself to be out for our retinas and our last semblance of sanity.
You see, Steve has installed what would appear to be an industrial grade floodlight as the exterior light on the side of his home. The side that conveniently shines right into the two biggest windows of our house. Curtains you ask? If steel shutters existed, maybe that would help us.
Do you know what that is? It’s called the Texas Petawatt Laser, which has been deemed by physicists to be the world’s most powerful laser, whose pulses are more intense than any known light source in the universe. I would consider, without no indication of drama or hyperbole, Steve’s light to be slightly less than that of the Texas Petawatt Laser.
(See figure 1a.)
But wait, don’t hold thy breath! There’s more! Did I mention Steve’s light is motion censored? That’s right! You guessed it, every little gust of wind/small or large animal/neighbor taking a shit on his lawn will set this thing off with the intensity of 1000 burning suns. Every. Damn. Day. When the sun sets, we get to be privy to the dancing shadow of his head cast against our walls.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…
“It certainly can’t be that bad… how often does ONE SINGLE human exit and enter their home in one evening?”
I’m SO glad you asked.
In the time is takes me to make a small cappuccino, he seems to have reason to waddle out of his dwelling and into the recesses of his garage. What would one have to do so many times in one evening that would require so many trips? I have decided he could, obviously, only have one of two hobbies/time killers/professions. A drug dealer or a serial killer.
I can only assume that his garage is packed with dead bodies hanging from their feet. Steve humming and hawing as he assesses which body would make the best lamp…
Alas, I digress.
This madness cannot go on for much longer or I’m going to hurl myself as his face the next time I see him walking out of his decrepit house in a suffocating rage that can only be calmed by the best sedative.
We need your help. Help us. Ruin Steve’s life.
Donate today to encourage not only years of neighborly hatred between Steve and I but ALSO years of improper adulting! I really suck at holding down a job.
SEE BELOW a super-fuckin’-handy list of awesome incentives. (Bullet-ed for your reading convenience, cause we all know the only thing you read are buzz feed lists.)
- For a donation of $20: A beautiful, photo of the floodlight that exists on my neighbour’s house.
- For a donation of $50: A framed photo of my dog wearing a pirate hat, with his signature in the corner. His signature is a paw print, in case your slow on the pick up.
- For a donation of $100: A lovely bag of my own shit, left on his doorstep with your name written on it in glitter, and a doorbell ring of course.
- For a donation of $500: Two things. I’ll attempt to steal the light bulb that ruins my existence, but I will also have the boyfriend film the entire thing.
- For a minimal donation of $1000: I’ll break into his house and steal all his batteries to his remotes so he goes mentally insane.
Don’t fucking look at me like that. You know you’d do the exact same thing with your asshole neighbor if you had the balls.
If you don’t want to do it for us, fair. But, do it for our dog, Brock. Who goes a little more blind every time that obnoxious, life ruining light comes on.
MEAGAN and her more-than-likely-questioning-his-life-decisions boyfriend, Matt.
P.S. Honestly, the only benefit of living next to a savage is that he’ll never ask to borrow my shit.